School called, I let the machine get it so I can absorb the information, listen a few times, that sort of thing. Orientation stuff, need to contact them for the next semester. Trying not to dizzy at things. I'm not quite as quasi-narcoleptic as the last few days. Seems like I can sleep easily when its light, and not when its dark. Feh. Working on sorting that out. Backwards sleep schedule isn't helpful.
I'm all complaints, but eventually there will be more than that. I can't look back at all the past times hope has failed me or that I have failed myself. I have to keep looking forward to the time when hope DOESN'T fail me, when I DON'T fail myself.
Meanwhile, I believe in the fake it 'till you make it behavior. I'm moving upwards, so I'll put forth my best attitude as I am able. Emotionally, hopefully, it will follow to something truly positive. I know I'm capable of it.
I know, its an offensive thought to most people. I apologize for the awful things I have said and I hope that in the future they will be curbed again. I think I've been pretty well restrained, though. For the most part. I'm well aware of how the wrong things I think and feel sound. I'm well aware of how illogical and socially skewed they are.
If the medication works like it's supposed to, like it used to, eventually I'll be able to feel that they are wrong again. I'll be able to taste food again, I'll be able to see life again instead of this 'spinning the wheels with distractions until death comes' thing I've been in. Heh, until I was so distracted by thought there was not much else occurring. It has only taken a half hour to write this, so far. I'm embarrassed to say how long it took to write the last entry.
Enough of my whining blah blah blah. I think I can handle looking into other people's lives for a bit.
Again, I apologize for being completely unavailable from the phone to the internet. Its not about how I feel about you, its how I feel about me, and at some points my mouth and brain fail to function at all so conversation is fail status in general. Its all I can do to try to appear normal for my boy, right now.
I'm not yet medicated, as I'm waiting to see my doctor, who can't see me until Tuesday.
Suffice to say all my endeavors have suffered from my total lack of mental focus. I am not going to explain what things go through my head that distract me as most people can't (and shouldn't; keep your mind unpoisoned) begin to understand them. I can't stay on simple tasks without drowning myself in bad thoughts so that I've stopped what I was doing and am more or less frozen in place for a space of time, until I can get back to reality. It can get worse. It has been worse.
I shouldn't have ever stopped with the meds. I can't be a real, regular person who can function in any way without them, I know this and I tried anyway. Everything breaks me, I am more fragile than candy glass these days. My brother's insane babble, the TV and its constant tales of horror here and overseas, music, sound, light, The stupid stories made up by movie writers, promises forgotten by others, bad memories, the things in my head that are unrelenting with imagined facts of my inadequacy as a human... shit.
Can't tolerate any of it.
ANYWAY- I had a visit to my GI doctor, who says: Your Upper blah blah blah suggests something consistent with chron's disease. Your scope showed nothing in the ilium where the presentation was so... Capsule test.
I'm so excited to have an ultra expensive test to look for the elusive pain that actually? Probably? Just a physical manifestation of my personal inner loathing.
If its more I'm not really looking forward to explaining it to the boy. All my fears are for what hurts him, and what might destroy his illusions about what is safe and happy. I lack the ability to care for myself in any emotional sense, but I thankfully am still capable of that.
The whole truth is, if you loose the illusions that build your world into something that makes you a creature of worth, you loose everything. I'm not about to ever let that happen to the boy, or anyone else because then... fuck. I can only tolerate living through the use of drugs. I think that's a pretty common thread with people who have lost all faith and illusion.
Almost six months, though. Without, after seven years of almost always being on. But, I guess its just a matter of sanity over clean living. Or, what passes for sanity, which is simply not being consumed by the demon of self hatred(which I get that most of you wouldn't understand why or how I could get this way but I kind of think its all for the better if you just don't, its all just disturbing bullshit that is a part of life's shittier side).
And I did 30 situps and thought, I can do a few more, but I bet that's a good start. WRONG! *LOL*!!! 0-47 in my age group is still defined as poor. I maybe could have gotten to 37 if I pushed harder.
But this is just the initial test.
So for pushups I did 11, and got past the poor ranking. Yay! More than poor! Er. Anyhow.
So I'm figuring that, barring yesterday when I spent all day traveling, my days to do this will be Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I feel a need to get to the Marines minimum standard. Especially after challenging my brother to get to ten pullups on my pullup bar when I can do like... two on a good day. Ha.
I need to do something besides peruse A&P and pathology books for when I get back to school.
Thanks so much for the good thoughts and well wishes sent my way.
( OMFG cut for wangst and whining! Someone call me a waaaambulance... and while you're at it, pick me up some cheese? THANKS! )
On the upside it's letting me go on a vacation I was going to otherwise miss out on. On the down... Its something of Suck.
I just suck at checking in and saying, Hey, how are you?
When the obvious return will be I'm ____. How are you?
Yeah, I don't want to answer that question.
I also fail at positive word usage. See above.
God, that sucks. I didn't know him, but his work really meant a lot to me. It hurts to know that his time is done.
RIP, bro.
I had a great time doing it. But when I was getting it, the two who were working on me had both my arms and suddenly I was like... Yeah, I'm done. I was relaxed until then.
I couldn't bail, because this needed to be done. It was like, less than five minutes of silent freak out and then the rest was okay.
Totally wicked though.
Clinic day #2 was better. Still smelled of too many people when I left, but there was no really dirty people with undisclosed disease processes so... yay. I'm starting to get used to people grossly rubbing off on me.
This weekend she started smelling a bit funk and a bath didn't help. This morning, I pick her up and find that she has a prolapsed uterus. (it fell out, in case you don't know what that means. Still attached, just inverted and... yeah. NOT PLEASANT) So. She had a raging infection and that and was half paralyzed in the hind quarters so the vet was like, yeah. Enough is enough. It was time to give her the injection, you know?
Relief and horror, both. Regardless of reality, I feel ultimate failure.
My son. He's an odd duck, Must get it from me. But, anyway, he was down with my mom and playing with her Yorkies. All of a sudden he got that sad look and said, "I miss Dot."
And so my mom was trying to be like, consoling. Boy, mark your calendar, all I'm sayin' and she was like,
"Well, Dot was a very special cat. A very happy cat..."
And the boy chimes in, "A very dead cat."
Which shut my mom up and he went back to playing with the dogs.
He is my son. He may not look as much like me as he does his Dad, but I can never deny that personality.
Go there. download the installments to listen. Red 1 is obviously the first file to listen to, and then through the numbers.
Thank you
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
big_pink for writing such beautiful stories that really blow away the actual published material and motivating me to read it at all.THIS IS NOT a professional recording. I DO NOT have the equipment or the time to do it as a proper audio book would require.
I had fun, and I hope you (whoever DLs) do too.
Whole story: Were doing efflurage and petrissage and it was a table massage, student as client and she had really hard gastrocs- the big calf muscles and I made positive impact on her iliotibial tract too and so at the end I TOTALLY did the sportsmanly SMACK on her thigh.
that's SO a nono. You don't touch clients like that. Makes 'em uncomfortable. BAD ME! But my body mechanics and technique is good. I check in. I drape a little conservatively but I'm shy. I've yet to uncover a glute and work it. Probably won't until I have to.
I SMACKED her though!!! What was I thinking? SRSLY. I have no filters, physically, I guess. Once it's okay to touch, everything goes... Jeez, that's not like, issues or anything. BUT I do avoid non-purposeful touch. So. Go me, there.
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